Getting Back to “I Do”

Wedding ceremonies vary widely from culture to culture but they have one thing in common. In the wedding ceremony each party makes an important promise to the other. It is a promise to love, to protect, to faithfully obey and to hold true, the special promises of their commitment: “…to have and to hold, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part”. Both parties make those promises with such hope and with such good intention and yet, in so many cases, those promises break down and for many the promises of the past begin to fade quickly in the face of rising conflicts within the marriage which for many, lead to divorce.

Conflicts and Solutions

No marriage is free of conflict, and there are a multitude of issues that disrupt and threaten marriages: money, in-laws, and managing the multiple demands of running a home just to name a few.

Money can be a big problem for newlyweds, especially if they are not able to skillfully manage the freedom that money brings. Unless money is managed by both parties with goal-setting and honest communication, poor financial decisions can lead to indebtedness, increased stress on the relationship and a growing sense of mistrust. Couples must regularly address the issue of money as a financial team and they must be able to communicate about money in ways that serve the needs of the marriage before their own separate needs.

Parents-in-law can also be a source of problems in a marriage especially when parents disapprove of their children’s choices. In reflecting on the vows mentioned earlier we see that in a marriage there is a separation from one’s family in the interest of forming a new family. The idea of embracing a new marriage helps us to “separate” and detach from our former family in the formation of our new marriage. Protecting and standing-up for our partner in the face of criticism and setting new boundaries with parents and parents-in-law is a necessary part of starting a new married life. Hold true to the vows of your marriage and stand together as you ask other family members to respect your choices even if they disagree.

Because of many traditional beliefs about work and home, many women take on hours of extra work at home in addition to working at a job outside the home. Every couple is different and has different values and needs, but this is an area that causes growing resentments between couples when they do not openly and honestly communicate about their needs in creating a home environment. Couples can avoid conflict in this area if they can agree that there is necessary work to be done outside and inside the home and that they can avoid conflict by first talking about their needs and desires and then by equally sharing the chores and the tasks of keeping and running a home.

Communication Failure

Conflicts are a part of all relationships and they must be managed by thoughtful, respectful and effective communication. When communication breaks down, mistrust, resentment and growing anxieties about the strength of the relationship begin to set in. However, when communication is honest, open and respectful it increases trust and understanding and a greater respect for differences.

 Remember, every relationship is like a dance, but before you can dance, really dance, you have to learn the steps. The steps can be found in patience, understanding, knowing yourself and your partner and learning to communicate honestly and gently about what you feel and about what you want and need. In a marriage, “it takes two to tango”. If you and your partner are stumbling over the steps, Sherwood Couples Counseling can help. Thoughtful, experience and guided help through counseling can serve as a bridge for reconnection, but the process will require the same thing that your marriage requires: patience, understanding, and a dedicated sense of commitment as you and your partner embark on an exciting process of discovery and change.