Couples Counseling in San Antonio Can Help Willing Pairs Make It Work

Some experienced therapists prefer angry, boisterous couples over quiet and subdued ones who act like they’d rather be somewhere else. Where there’s energy, there is passion, and where there is passion, there is emotion. Sometimes, for couples undergoing marriage counseling in San Antonio, TX, emotion holds the key to a resolution. For an energetic and loving couple to be reduced to cold, lifeless shells is a tragedy because it is difficult, if not impossible, to revive lifelessness. It doesn’t take a counselor to point out these signs of life in your relationship. Whether within the sessions at Sherwood Couples Counseling or outside of them, these “signs of life” will manifest themselves if you are both willing to go beyond yourselves to make the relationship right again.
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Sweet Nothings Build Trust

We all know that trust is the basic and most vital foundation of a strong relationship and that once trust is broken it becomes extremely difficult to rebuild. Difficult, yes! Impossible, no! In a committed relationship we all need to trust and to be trusted.

 Rebuilding trust can take years, especially if there have been traumatic events such as physical abuse, drug and alcohol abuse or infidelities. These events strike at the very core foundations of trust and even though the abusive behaviors end, they cast shadows of doubt and uncertainty well into the future with both the fear and the anxiety that they might happen again.

 Yes, rebuilding trust is difficult and it usually requires the help and guidance of a skilled professional to lead the way. But there are some simple things that couples can do now, on their own and they require no professional guidance at all, just a sense of caring for your partner and a desire and intention to do something that will please them and “lighten their load.”

According to psychologist, John Gottman, an author, researcher and highly respected expert in relationships, trust is built in very small moments. John Gottman calls these moments “sliding door moments” where in an unplanned moment we do or say something that affirms the presence of the other person and in that moment we reinforce, in small and big ways the very trust we intend to build.

In laymen’s terms we might call these “small” actions “Sweet Nothings”, those little actions that become big actions because we do them spontaneously, not out of urgency or necessity but out thoughtfulness and intention, knowing that these signs of caring communicate our intention and desire to be with the person we love. Over time, these little moments, these “Sweet Nothings” help to sustain the trust we’ve built and they help to rebuild the trust we’ve lost.

 John Gottman says that in any interaction we have with our partner, there is a possibility of connecting or disconnecting: we either turn toward our partner or we turn away. Imagine that it’s 5 minutes before your favorite TV program. You’ve been anticipating it with great expectations and you notice that your partner is sad and appears to be troubled. What do you do? Do you turn toward your favorite program, or turn off the TV and turn toward your partner?

Choosing to listen to your partner is a “sliding door moment.” It's a chance, an opportunity for you to build trust by choosing to be there and an opportunity to “turn toward” your partner instead of "turning away."

Remember that “Sweet Nothings” come in many forms and often at the least predictable times. You’ll recognize them by seeing the opportunity where you can choose to "turn toward your partner in a special way or by choosing to do something that you don’t really have to do, knowing that it will please them and put a smile on their face and in the end, make a small moment just a little bit brighter.

If you need more help in building or rebuilding trust Sherwood Couples Counseling can help. You'll find us on the web at www.sherwoodcouplescounseling.com 

Sherwood Couples Counseling: building skills, providing hope!

Marriage Counseling: The Way of Compromise

Married couples are sure to know a thing or two about the feeling of being on the losing side of an argument. This is a situation wherein an individual’s sense of reason is more often than not trumped by frustration, as told in the The Gottman Institute relationship blog. Most married couples find it really difficult to wiggle their way out a messy squabble. Still, there’s hope of managing all conflict, and it’s summed up in one word: compromise.

Contrary to popular belief, compromise doesn’t always mean that one loses and one wins. This is a common misconception that hinders most couples’ ability to compromise with each other, mostly because people are often used to deciding based on their own satisfaction.

Relationship Tips for a Happy Love Life

Relationships make or break a person. Let’s face it; we all need affection, intimacy, understanding, and belongingness from another special human being. We crave something very different than the love from our family and friends. However, as we start to form relationships and grow as a person, we make mistakes. We may regret being with the wrong person or regret the things we did or that we could have done better to make things work with that very special person. But in spite of the mistakes you may have made along the way, there are some very positive things that you can do now, to make your relationship better today! 

Quick Tips from the Gottman Research

For years, The Gottman Method has been helping couples improve the quality of their relationships by teaching innovative scientifically-based techniques that improve the quality of the communication and which ultimately lower the level of relationship conflict. Here are some of the Gottman techniques that are used by Sherwood Couples Counseling. You can apply them now!

1. Think before you speak. Most of the time, arguments and fights spiral out of control, not because of the issue itself, but because of the emotional attitude and tone of voice. Instead of confronting your partner in an angry manner, soften your approach. Raising your complaints and concerns gently and respectfully will help both of you listen and stay open to the problem so that you can solve it faster and more effectively.

2. Appreciate the contributions of your partner. Focus on the bright side by recognizing and expressing appreciation for the positive things your partner does. Cultivating the habit of appreciation lets your partner know that you are mindful of their contributions and helps maintain a healthy loving connection between both of you.

3. Learn to listen. Listening is a skill and learning to listen patiently and willingly will help you learn to accept the influence of your partner, especially in the areas that are really important to your partner. Consider that your listening is a gift that lets your partner know you care and that you understand. Being open to the ideas and opinions of your partner not only helps you understand your partner’s wants and needs; it also helps you recognize and appreciate the rich differences that make your relationship special and unique. Listen fully and completely before you object and say no and let your partner speak without interruption. It might sometimes be exciting to follow your partner’s lead, even if you don’t completely agree.

Remember, there are no perfect relationships and that problems and their solutions vary from couple to couple. Try using these 3 quick tips to boost the energy in your relationship. If you need more help, call us at Sherwood Couples Counseling. We are committed to improving the quality of lives by improving the quality of relationships.

Sherwood Couples Counseling: building skills, providing hope!

Intensive Couples Therapy: Your Last Resort

We all know that trust is the basic and most vital foundation of a strong relationship and that once trust is broken it becomes extremely difficult to rebuild. Difficult, yes! Impossible, no! In a committed relationship we all need to trust and to be trusted.

Rebuilding trust can take years, especially if there have been traumatic events such as physical abuse, drug and alcohol abuse or infidelities. These events strike at the very core foundations of trust and even though the abusive behaviors end, they cast shadows of doubt and uncertainty well into the future with both the fear and the anxiety that they might happen again.

 

Yes, rebuilding trust is difficult and it usually requires the help and guidance of a skilled professional to lead the way. But there are some simple things that couples can do now, on their own and they require no professional guidance at all, just a sense of caring for your partner and a desire and intention to do something that will please them and “lighten their load.”

According to psychologist, John Gottman, an author, researcher and highly respected expert in relationships, trust is built in very small moments. John Gottman calls these moments “sliding door moments” where in an unplanned moment we do or say something that affirms the presence of the other person and in that moment we reinforce, in small and big ways the very trust we intend to build.

In laymen’s terms we might call these “small” actions “Sweet Nothings”, those little actions that become big actions because we do them spontaneously, not out of urgency or necessity but out thoughtfulness and intention, knowing that these signs of caring communicate our intention and desire to be with the person we love. Over time, these little moments, these “Sweet Nothings” help to sustain the trust we’ve built and they help to rebuild the trust we’ve lost.

John Gottman says that in any interaction we have with our partner, there is a possibility of connecting or disconnecting: we either turn toward our partner or we turn away. Imagine that it’s 5 minutes before your favorite TV program. You’ve been anticipating it with great expectations and you notice that your partner is sad and appears to be troubled. What do you do? Do you turn toward your favorite program, or turn off the TV and turn toward your partner?

Choosing to listen to your partner is a “sliding door moment.” It's a chance, an opportunity for you to build trust by choosing to be there and an opportunity to “turn toward” your partner instead of "turning away."

Remember that “Sweet Nothings” come in many forms and often at the least predictable times. You’ll recognize them by seeing the opportunity where you can choose to "turn toward your partner in a special way or by choosing to do something that you don’t really have to do, knowing that it will please them and put a smile on their face and in the end, make a small moment just a little bit brighter.

If you need more help in building or rebuilding trust Sherwood Couples Counseling can help. You'll find us on the web at www.sherwoodcouplescounseling.com 

Sherwood Couples Counseling: building skills, providing hope! 

Counseling in San Antonio: An Empty Nest is a Time for Rediscovery

When the kids finally leave home to pursue college or start their own family, couples in Texas find themselves in a situation usually referred to as “empty nest” syndrome. While some couples see this as an opportunity to do new and novel activities, others find themselves at odds—and sometimes divorced. Counseling in San Antonio could benefit the couples who are having a challenge in this new stage in their life. Times Herald’s Nicole Hayden writes how living in an empty nest gives couples a chance to spread their wings. Empty nest syndrome changes the daily lives of couples and single parents. Some parents may divorce because they were only staying together for their children's sakes, while others may take the opportunity to relight the spark.
http://sherwoodcouplescounseling.com/counseling-san-antonio-empty-nest-time-rediscovery/

Hope for Couples in Conflict

The journey of every marriage inevitably takes all couples onto the ‘rocky roads’ of conflict. Some couples choose to tread the rough and rocky pathway together, and through skillful listening and patient communication, they are able to stay together no matter how bumpy and difficult the road gets. Others, however, are left behind by their partners and many, after they have tripped and fallen with painful emotional wounds, find themselves lost in a world where they are alone and unable to trust.

The Conflicts

What many couples don’t realize is that most problems (whether grounded in the past or related to current circumstances) can actually be solved. When couples learn to shift their communication from a “debate” to a dialogue of patient, willing and respectful listening, and where emotions can be safely expressed and validated, they re-energize the emotional connections that once drew them together. Without this respectful dialogue, couples stay locked into the never-ending debates that over time perpetuate the deepening emotional resentments that have come between them. Some couples will divorce, others will resign themselves to the quiet misery of a joyless marriage and still others will act out through aggressive and emotionally abusive behaviors such as overeating, excessive use of alcohol and drugs and damaging infidelities that only further damage the friendship and the trust that they once had.

The Hope

Sherwood Couples Counseling specializes in helping couples in high-conflict relationships to begin the dialogue that will ultimately lead you and your partner back to a point of resolution, and re-commitment and where new skills in listening and communicating will help you see a bright future of hope rather than the unhappy prospect of living with the resignation and emotional avoidance of an unhappy and joyless marriage.

Turn back to the vows you made on your wedding day. While there is life, there is still hope that you will yet find the warmth, the friendship, the closeness and the trust of a fulfilled and happy marriage.

Sherwood Couples Counseling is both skilled and committed toward the goal of guiding couples through the healing process so that they can rediscover the emotional connections that once brought them together. Our intensive and marathon approaches will help you and your partner break through relationship roadblocks by rediscovering your friendship and developing healthier and more effective styles of communication.

Through these therapies, you will also discover your own core values, the values you and your partner have formed together and the values that you and your partner will build on to achieve a truly happy and fulfilled relationship.

You may have been stuck in a very difficult place for a very long time, and no matter your age or the state of your relationship, it’s not too late to get back on track, to reconnect to the lost, forgotten, and unspoken dreams that you are longing to experience and which first drew you together.

Getting Couples Counseling in San Antonio May Avert Divorce Impact

These findings make it clear that there is rarely any “good divorce” as children still suffer negative consequences, anyway. This is actually not surprising because, as most people who have experienced divorce—either as one of the couples or as the child of the divorcing couple— can attest to, the event can be so traumatic for all involved, spelling drastic financial, emotional, and personal shifts for a family. There are valid instances wherein divorce is the best solution, such as when there is emotional and physical abuse in the relationship. Outside such grave situations, however, many couples can be blinded by crisis, opting for a separation instead of working together to create a more fruitful union that benefits them and their family. Going for couples counseling in San Antonio can inject new hope into marriages that still contain loving and willing partners, who only need guidance and a fresh perspective, so they can continue handling life’s challenges together.
http://sherwoodcouplescounseling.com/getting-couples-counseling-san-antonio-may-avert-divorce-impact/

Couple Counseling in San Antonio May Assist in PTSD Symptom Relief

People who have experienced significant traumatic events may develop PTSD and have symptoms ranging from distressful flashbacks or dreams, as well as severe physical or emotional responses triggered by memories of the traumatic event. Because of the severe stress that the individual can suffer from PTSD, this may inevitably affect the relationship of the couple, how they treat each other, and how they protect themselves from the emotional and psychological pain that the illness brings forth. The effects of PTSD on individuals and their relationships can be damaging if not handled in a loving and knowledgeable manner, more so in intimate relationships. Traumatic events can be devastating, but they do not have to hinder PTSD sufferers from maintaining stable, meaningful, and healthy partnerships with their loved ones.
http://sherwoodcouplescounseling.com/couple-counseling-san-antonio-may-assist-ptsd-symptom-relief/

Counseling Can Help Save and Improve Relationships

In 2012, CBS produced a comedy-crime TV series which centers on two cops who have been sent to couples counseling because their problems with each other is affecting their work. Common Law was able to show that couples counseling can work wonders for people who are faced with relationship problems, including those who are couples or partners at the workplace.

In the same way that co-workers need to settle their differences so that their personal problems won’t affect their professionalism or productivity, married individuals must also try all means of conciliation and find solution to problems, especially if they want a harmonious family life. Sometimes couples just need the help of a professional who can make them look at their current situation with a new perspective so as to protect the marriage and preserve and build on the beautiful memories they have together.

It Can Happen to Anyone.

No marriage is immune to infidelity! Bad people in bad marriages have affairs and good people in good marriages have affairs. Affairs occur because both parties have lost the trust, the friendship and the emotional connection they once had. Growing resentments over these losses cause spouses to be more vulnerable to the attentions of others or to actively seek the attention and the comfort they have lost.

What to Do?

Get help!

For 30 years, John Sherwood of Sherwood Couples Counseling has been helping couples repair the emotional losses that occur from infidelity and to help couples recover the trust and the friendship they once had.

He states that when couples are able to talk about all aspects of the affair they begin to understand more fully how unmet needs and unresolved injuries of the past created an emotional climate of disengagement that ultimately led to the affair. He goes on to say that through difficult, honest and respectful communication, couples can succeed in building a new foundation of trust and understanding that will lead to the restoration of the trust and friendship they had before the affair.

Talking about the affair is difficult and one or both parties often think that the best way to put the affair behind them is to never talk about it again They rationalize that it happened, that it can’t be undone and that talking about it just makes things worse.”

This strategy only leads to resignation, growing anger, emotional isolation, more mistrust and the perpetuation of the broken communication that lead to the affair in the first place. This avoidance strategy increases the likelihood of another affair, an eventual divorce, or worse, living forever in a joyless marriage.

Reasons Why and Solutions

It’s helpful to realize that affairs don’t just happen. They are the result of the growing emotional distance that happens when couples turn away from each other as they try to negotiate and satisfy their own emotional needs along with the multiple needs of the family and their intimate relationship.

Couples who are struggling with an affair must realize that affairs are caused by the failure of honest and respectful communication and the habitual avoidance of the conflicts in their relationship.

Restoring and building sound, effective communication skills will help every couple suffering from the effects of an affair to build a new relationship of trust, confidence and hope.

Strengthen Family Relationships Solving Parent-Child Problems

Our memories from childhood fade quickly and we may not always be able to relate to, or to see ourselves in the feelings and behaviors of our children. And it just may be that the problems that your child is now having is a similar expression of what you yourself went through years ago when you were growing up. With hard work and with favorable opportunities you’ve probably outgrown that phase, and now, you find yourself trying really hard to understand what your child is going through.

When you and your partner face the challenges of an oppositional and defiant child, you actually face two problems: the problem of what is going within the emotional and behavioral life of your child and the challenge of communicating about your child’s needs in an effective and honest way that leads to getting your child help.

Managing and correcting parent-child problems is an important part of couples counseling because of the stressful effects these problems have, not only on your child and the family but also, on the strength and integrity of the marital relationship between you and your partner.

Signs and symptoms of an oppositional child

• Loses temper

• Argues with adults

• Actively defies and refuses to comply with adult rules and requests

• Deliberately annoys others

• Blames others for his/her mistakes or misbehaviors

• Angry and resentful at home and at school

• Failing at school

• Depressed and using alcohol and drugs

• Is spiteful and vindictive toward others

Helping your child through counseling

In counseling, parents learn that the child is not the only problem. They learn:

• That child/parent conflicts are sometimes a reflection of parental and marital conflict;

• That the child’s manipulation comes from having no sense of personal power to fulfill “wants and needs”;

• That empowering the child reduces manipulation and improves behavior;

• That parents can empower themselves by responding to manipulation in more skillful and thoughtful ways;

When you and your partner and child go through counseling, you can expect and learn new ideas and develop social, psychological and developmental insights that underline the behaviors, motivation and internal mood states of your child.

To know more about Sherwood Couples Counseling and how counseling can restore a sense of balance and direction to your child’s behavior, visit us to schedule a free initial confidential consultation.

Improving Relationships with the Gottman Method

Finding the right partner, your soul mate, is often a difficult challenge as we move into our adult lives. And as if finding that “special someone” is not difficult enough, it is often influenced by competing interests: for one reason or another, we’re just not ready, or we are facing a multitude of personal, family, financial, educational and/or career issues. But once we do find that very special person we soon discover that that is only “half the battle”, for in all marriages, conflicts inevitably arise. These conflicts often touch us in very personal ways and sometimes they expose our own personal vulnerabilities and may even threaten the stability and the friendship of the very person who we have come to love and know so well.

 

Conflict is a natural part of all marriages and relationships. And while most couples are able to manage most of them within the friendship and trust of their relationship, there are other challenges (such as an infidelity, the loss of a child, a life-threatening family illness or a physical injury and disability) that may test the capacities of a couple to openly and honestly keep the channels of communication open. The honesty, empathy and respect with which conflicts are managed and discussed reveal important qualities of each individual and the relationship itself.

One of the proven methods Sherwood Couples Counseling uses is the Gottman Method, a proven, researched-based approach that helps couples understand and communicate about themselves, their partners and the social and cultural context of the world that we all live in. F. John Sherwood, Founder and CEO of Sherwood Couples Counseling is trained and certified in the Gottman Method and uses those proven methods to help couples understand and navigate through the most difficult and unimaginable problems that couples face together.

Building Love Maps

Getting to know your partner well enough to understand their inner psychological world, their history, worries, stresses, joys and hopes play a big role in having a fruitful and successful relationship. When communication is not enough to express ourselves, special techniques of the Gottman Method help resolve these issues.

Share Fondness and Admiration

To strengthen fondness and admiration, couples learn to express appreciation and to communicate respect towards each other where each aspect of our individuality contributes to building a stronger partnership and marriage. No matter the size of the problem or challenge, having a strong foundation in your relationship can “make or break” the building blocks of a strong and healthy marriage.

Creating a sound relationship with your partner means really and truly knowing your partner and understanding the language of how they communicate love. Communicating daily and over time in this language of love will help to build a sound relationship foundation that will help fortify your relationship against the most difficult and unpredictable issues and events.

The Gottman Method that Sherwood Couples Counseling practices is dedicated to helping individuals in relationships break through, manage and resolve areas of distressing conflict, and to generate a greater understanding between partners in order to keep conflict discussions calm.

Getting Back to “I Do”

Wedding ceremonies vary widely from culture to culture but they have one thing in common. In the wedding ceremony each party makes an important promise to the other. It is a promise to love, to protect, to faithfully obey and to hold true, the special promises of their commitment: “…to have and to hold, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part”. Both parties make those promises with such hope and with such good intention and yet, in so many cases, those promises break down and for many the promises of the past begin to fade quickly in the face of rising conflicts within the marriage which for many, lead to divorce.

Conflicts and Solutions

No marriage is free of conflict, and there are a multitude of issues that disrupt and threaten marriages: money, in-laws, and managing the multiple demands of running a home just to name a few.

Money can be a big problem for newlyweds, especially if they are not able to skillfully manage the freedom that money brings. Unless money is managed by both parties with goal-setting and honest communication, poor financial decisions can lead to indebtedness, increased stress on the relationship and a growing sense of mistrust. Couples must regularly address the issue of money as a financial team and they must be able to communicate about money in ways that serve the needs of the marriage before their own separate needs.

Parents-in-law can also be a source of problems in a marriage especially when parents disapprove of their children’s choices. In reflecting on the vows mentioned earlier we see that in a marriage there is a separation from one’s family in the interest of forming a new family. The idea of embracing a new marriage helps us to “separate” and detach from our former family in the formation of our new marriage. Protecting and standing-up for our partner in the face of criticism and setting new boundaries with parents and parents-in-law is a necessary part of starting a new married life. Hold true to the vows of your marriage and stand together as you ask other family members to respect your choices even if they disagree.

Because of many traditional beliefs about work and home, many women take on hours of extra work at home in addition to working at a job outside the home. Every couple is different and has different values and needs, but this is an area that causes growing resentments between couples when they do not openly and honestly communicate about their needs in creating a home environment. Couples can avoid conflict in this area if they can agree that there is necessary work to be done outside and inside the home and that they can avoid conflict by first talking about their needs and desires and then by equally sharing the chores and the tasks of keeping and running a home.

Communication Failure

Conflicts are a part of all relationships and they must be managed by thoughtful, respectful and effective communication. When communication breaks down, mistrust, resentment and growing anxieties about the strength of the relationship begin to set in. However, when communication is honest, open and respectful it increases trust and understanding and a greater respect for differences.

 Remember, every relationship is like a dance, but before you can dance, really dance, you have to learn the steps. The steps can be found in patience, understanding, knowing yourself and your partner and learning to communicate honestly and gently about what you feel and about what you want and need. In a marriage, “it takes two to tango”. If you and your partner are stumbling over the steps, Sherwood Couples Counseling can help. Thoughtful, experience and guided help through counseling can serve as a bridge for reconnection, but the process will require the same thing that your marriage requires: patience, understanding, and a dedicated sense of commitment as you and your partner embark on an exciting process of discovery and change.

Is Having a Baby Causing Marriage Blues?

After the birth of the first baby (and the ones after), parents frequently face the challenge of keeping their marriage a loving, thriving one. Along with the gargantuan tasks of parenting (especially if you don’t have nannies and regular babysitters), the two of you must be able to balance your time for yourselves, for your careers, for your social lives, and most importantly, for each other.

The Rules of Engagement – Having Fights

When two people with different personalities, needs, and wants become a couple, there is bound to be some conflict. That’s why marriage counselors advise couples that the real challenge for them isn’t having fewer fights; it’s getting through them constructively.

Conflict management

Successful couples acknowledge that since conflict is inevitable, they must learn to manage it and learn to work out their differences by understanding each other and working together for a solution.