Sweet Nothings Build Trust

We all know that trust is the basic and most vital foundation of a strong relationship and that once trust is broken it becomes extremely difficult to rebuild. Difficult, yes! Impossible, no! In a committed relationship we all need to trust and to be trusted.

 Rebuilding trust can take years, especially if there have been traumatic events such as physical abuse, drug and alcohol abuse or infidelities. These events strike at the very core foundations of trust and even though the abusive behaviors end, they cast shadows of doubt and uncertainty well into the future with both the fear and the anxiety that they might happen again.

 Yes, rebuilding trust is difficult and it usually requires the help and guidance of a skilled professional to lead the way. But there are some simple things that couples can do now, on their own and they require no professional guidance at all, just a sense of caring for your partner and a desire and intention to do something that will please them and “lighten their load.”

According to psychologist, John Gottman, an author, researcher and highly respected expert in relationships, trust is built in very small moments. John Gottman calls these moments “sliding door moments” where in an unplanned moment we do or say something that affirms the presence of the other person and in that moment we reinforce, in small and big ways the very trust we intend to build.

In laymen’s terms we might call these “small” actions “Sweet Nothings”, those little actions that become big actions because we do them spontaneously, not out of urgency or necessity but out thoughtfulness and intention, knowing that these signs of caring communicate our intention and desire to be with the person we love. Over time, these little moments, these “Sweet Nothings” help to sustain the trust we’ve built and they help to rebuild the trust we’ve lost.

 John Gottman says that in any interaction we have with our partner, there is a possibility of connecting or disconnecting: we either turn toward our partner or we turn away. Imagine that it’s 5 minutes before your favorite TV program. You’ve been anticipating it with great expectations and you notice that your partner is sad and appears to be troubled. What do you do? Do you turn toward your favorite program, or turn off the TV and turn toward your partner?

Choosing to listen to your partner is a “sliding door moment.” It's a chance, an opportunity for you to build trust by choosing to be there and an opportunity to “turn toward” your partner instead of "turning away."

Remember that “Sweet Nothings” come in many forms and often at the least predictable times. You’ll recognize them by seeing the opportunity where you can choose to "turn toward your partner in a special way or by choosing to do something that you don’t really have to do, knowing that it will please them and put a smile on their face and in the end, make a small moment just a little bit brighter.

If you need more help in building or rebuilding trust Sherwood Couples Counseling can help. You'll find us on the web at www.sherwoodcouplescounseling.com 

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